May 2013
being shy is the worst thing ever i wish i wasnt shy because it ruins everything
javaddward:
anonymously tell me your credit card number ill reply with what I bought
My dad just emailed me this huge list of puns oh...
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
All the toilets in New York’s police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the Government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
slendyrunawaywithme:
shampoo for my real friends
real poo for my sham friends
foodchewer:
*hides good snacks from family members*
best-of-funny:
warpedesto:
do you ever just
make a friend and think
I am so glad this friend is mine
X
best-of-funny:
It’s kind of ridiculous that you’re expected to get out of bed EVERY day
X
loverstabbedaswordthroughmyheart:
i-was-so-alone-and-iou-so-much:
vangoghstars:
sparkafterdark:
glamour-parade:
How do you politely tell someone that you want them naked on top of you
I’m pretty much positive that’s why poetry was even invented in the first place.
for the constellations of your skin to brush against the earth of mine i would swim the seas a thousand times (please...
phan-tabulous:
constellationofkasterborous:
constellationofkasterborous:
um something just printed and i didn’t print it
my parents are all asleep
i’m scared
it was fucking tickets to yo gabba gabba live
are you gonna go
cokeflow:
god mom check my FAQ
angry-poems:
this month’s horoscopes
TAURUS: dirt GEMINI: ether CANCER: paper LEO: hair VIRGO: milk LIBRA: blood SCORPIO: cement SAGITTARIUS: meat CAPRICORN: grass AQUARIUS: marrow PISCES: whiskey ARIES: bone
beyoncebeytwice:
when attractive people compliment me on things i get suspicious because remember when regina george complimented that one girl on her skirt
“What made you happy once may not make you happy now.”
– Jodi Picoult (via onlinecounsellingcollege)
i get really happy when it’s not me who starts the conversation because that removes so much anxiety about whether i’m bothering the person or if they secretly hate me even if i know that’s not true
astrokidmusic:
astrokidmusic:
I should just quit school and become a brostitute
you pay me to just hang out and chill
does anybody want to join me
we can start a
brothel
craplos:
ladies. be careful when u wear spaghetti straps. it might distract the boys. they’ll start thinking of spaghetti. they will get hungry. they will stop at nothing to get their spaghetti.
finishing up this economics packet, success.
do u ever just make scenarios in your head that will never happen but makes you so happy so you just keep on imagining them
sfux:
i feel like people who eat breakfast really have their lives together
